Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Yes my dude
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?