Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Pandas 🐼🖤
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Okey dokey.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT