As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.