Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
A new level of troll.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay