I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
You Might Also Like
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]