*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
first you must answer his riddles
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
He wanted to make sure😂
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.