Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
December birthdays be like…
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit