You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
These are my roll models.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones