Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.