my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Mouse
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”