I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.