My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She