Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I’m going to need a moment here.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.