“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
#inspiration #foodforthought
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.