My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
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Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell