Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
welp
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me