Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Pigeon open mic night.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)