Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Previously On Persistence 😎
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Tastes like chicken.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I think we should hear other voices.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help