I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Something Saturday.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Succinctly put.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*