My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise