How to find Kentucky on a map
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????