If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Think I pulled my liver
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
just leave it at the foot of the bed
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”