Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them