CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
You Might Also Like
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
mechanics be like
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Mistakes were made
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days