I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Spell check is for lasers.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.