dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
How can I say no to this ?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.