1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?