Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
guys i’ve cracked the code
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?