(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I don’t think my car can fly
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
After 35, your body ages in dog years
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive