I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
This trial is so absurd 😭
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.