“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.