Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
United Steaks of America
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out