What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado