Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses