My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air