If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
choose your gary
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal