I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
You Might Also Like
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
who called it hell and not heaven’t