me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
#Thanos #MondayMood
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.