CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone