Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
marvel comics have peaked