So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
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me opening up to someone
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic