Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Just as the prophecy foretold