Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
and now we wait
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.