No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
You Might Also Like
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.