To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow