Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
A friend sent me this.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan