If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]