All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
You Might Also Like
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey