According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
You Might Also Like
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.