Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
A family that plays together cheats.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name